Talk To Children About War
This is an important message from Dr. Judith Myers-Walls, a
leading resource for information on terrorism and children. She is
Human Development Specialist.
The United States is preparing for war. Many troops have been mobilized, and government officials have spoken frequently about the need for war. The President has described some of the evil actions of the country with which we have concerns.
� Children probably do not understand the politics of this situation. For many � especially the youngest children � the impending war is a distant event, and they do not pay attention to it.
But many others are likely to be confused. They see parents being deployed and leaving their children behind. Seeing children in the news attracts other children�s attention. They may wonder if their own parents will be called to go away. Older children may be confused when they hear differing opinions and recommendations. Many words are being used that are not familiar to children.
When Parents Are Deployed
For children whose parents are being deployed, there are special pressures. They need to deal with secrecy, uncertainty, separation, and major changes in their lifestyle.
They will not know where the family member is going or when or even if he or she will return. The remaining parent needs to take on different roles. If both parents are in the military, the children may need to adjust to living with other relatives or substitute parents. They will need to adjust again when the deployed family member returns home.
Children May Be Confused
Most children are likely to be confused by the current events. Their confusion may vary depending on their age.� Younger children will hear a number of unfamiliar words and may not understand what they mean. Many children may confuse Afghanistan and Iraq. They may confuse Osama bin Laden with Sadaam Hus-sein. There are good reasons for that confusion; many adults are confused as well. Children, especially younger ones, also confuse fantasy with reality and historic events and figures with current ones. They may connect unrelated current events, such as assuming that the Columbia shuttle disaster is related to the conflict with Iraq. They may be more sensitized to war and violence in general after the events of 9/11.
A New Topic For Parents
Most parents do not include war in their daily conversations with children. Some never talk about it.
This author has conducted interviews with children and parents beginning several months after the 9/11 attacks. Almost 25 percent of parents reported that they never talked to their children about war. More than 40 percent of children reported they hadn�t had such conversations with their parents.
This means that some parents thought they talked about it, but the children either didn�t remember or didn�t recognize the topic. So some parents may need to discuss this topic with their children for the first time, and others may need to repeat some things they have said before.
Contrasting Attitudes
Some people are working hard to prevent war, while others are actively supporting it. Children will hear about protests and peace marches, and they will hear about speeches and actions to support military action. They will probably want to know how their parents feel about it. Parents should explain how they feel. They can describe what action they are taking. They also can explore with the children how the children can express their own opinions.
If Parents Are Against War
The vast majority of children think that war is bad. So they may be comfortable with the decision of parents to oppose the war. But they will hear many things in support of war. It can be difficult to speak out against a government decision. Children may not understand how parents can support their country and still disagree with its actions. Parents can talk with the children about the meaning of democracy and the reasons why the parents are against the war.
If the children also oppose the war, it may be helpful to talk to them about expressing their opinions. They are likely to have friends who support the war. Parents can help them learn how to disagree without being disrespectful or disloyal. They can give them opportunities to have a voice.
Parents can encourage them to draw pictures or write letters to decision-makers. Let them participate in demonstrations if they are interested.
If Parents Support Efforts
Parents need to keep in mind that children in general think war is bad. Most parents also think that war is bad, but they may think that it is the best approach in some situations. Children have a hard time understanding that a bad thing might be a good choice sometimes. Parents should explain the reasons they support this war. They should be careful not to teach the children that violence is always the best way to solve problems, though.
If the children also support the war effort, it would be good to help them learn how to express their opinion while also supporting others. They are likely to have some friends who are against the war. They can learn to listen to other people, even if they disagree. Help them find ways to have a voice.
Tips And Cautions
Listen and talk. Let children know that it is okay to talk about war and peace. Listen for misunderstandings. Let the children guide you in the discussions. Remember that this will probably not be only one discussion. �
Consider using books and art to communicate. Children may be able to express ideas in drawings that they cannot put into words. Reading a book about a topic makes it less threatening. It is easier to talk about someone else than to talk about our own feelings.
� Be careful about painting the other side as the enemy. It is more helpful to children to talk about �bad actions� rather than �bad people.� Help them understand that people can choose their behaviors. Even if they have done something bad in the past, they can choose to do something good in the future.
Help children understand that the United States is not angry with the Iraqi people. Explain that the leaders of our country are upset with the decisions of the other government.
� Help children understand religious differences. Explain that Islam is a religion that is practiced by many people in the world. Help them understand that most Muslim people are peace-loving and friendly.
� Reassure children without ignoring the horrors of war. Talk about what you and others will do to keep the child safe.
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