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By PETER FERRARA Record Columnist My how time flies! It seems like only recently we were looking over 2005 for its ups and downs and now 2006 has gone by like a rocket! It just goes to show how fast the days pass when there is so much good news. Let's take a look back at 2006 and see why it was so good. I guess the thing that must top the list was finding Osama bin Laden after so much searching. Who would have guessed that the 6' 4" leader of Al Qaeda could have eluded capture for so long? A special tip of the hat must go to the alert post-Christmas shopper in New York City who spotted bin Laden underneath his clever Santa Claus disguise as he rang a bell for the Salvation Army outside Macy's Department Store. "There was just something funny about him being out there, since Christmas had been over two weeks earlier," bargain hunter Tina Williamson told reporters after the stunning sequence of events which led to the capture of the world's most-hunted figure. "The way he was calling those who donated money lackeys of the Great Satan and telling excited children that their souls would burn in hell just didn't sit right with me. So then I asked him to name his eight reindeer. He gave me a dirty look and recited the names Abdul, Arif, Mustapha, Ben Ali, Shakir, Ramundi, Achmed and Clarabelle and I told him he wasn't even close. When he spit on me and called me an infidel pig I did what any decent woman with a black belt in karate would do and gave him a swift kick in the head. While he was on the sidewalk spitting teeth, I took off my panty hose and tied him up until the authorities got there. Then, after he had been hauled away by several gentlemen in dark glasses and black business suits, I was asked by a reporter what I'd do with the $25 million reward. I told him I was going to get some new shoes and a cheese sandwich." Ms. Williamson� a grateful nation salutes you! Another terrific thing about 2006 was the complete rebuilding of the city of New Orleans, only this time on the high, safe ground outside of Providence, Rhode Island. "It was the perfect solution," President Bush said at the ribbon cutting ceremony. "Let's face it: if we had built the city back where it had been we'd have only wasted over $200 billion which could have gone to pay for tax breaks for our wealthiest Americans. The compromise with Congress to pump up the population volume of our smallest state made sense. Besides, a few people who had passed out during last year's Mardi Gras and who woke up in the new New Orleans didn't even realize the city had been moved out of the Gulf Coast region. I couldn't be more proud!" The containment of the bird flu pandemic was another triumph of the year. Who would have thought that all we had to do was place West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd in isolation and the whole Avian Flu threat just flew away? Thank heavens we realized the solution before wasting all that money on vaccine research and production and distribution. Sometimes our government really does work well in the public interest. The whole nation was thrilled by the sudden prospect of balanced budgets forever, the elimination of the national debt, and the cash award of $10 million to every man, woman, and child in America. What made all this good news possible? It happened the day the President told us: "In the interest of fiscal good news, I am today abolishing the Internal Revenue Service, the General Accounting Office, the Office of Management and Budget and the Federal Reserve Board! I only wish I had thought of this years ago, but as my old pal and former FEMA Director Brownie used to say�better late than never!" On the space research side, NASA's discovery of huge deposits of gold on the moon has created a lucrative new business sending astronaut prospectors to our closest cosmic companion. "And to think we thought it was made of green cheese," new NASA Director Donald Trump told reporters at space headquarters in Florida. "Boy were we dumb!" Then The Donald turned to the huge Saturn rocket on the launch pad and uttered the magic words "You're fired!" With that the majestic monster lifted itself into space along with its cargo of one thousand midget miners ready to begin the task of hauling out the lunar treasury for shipment back to earth. "It doesn't get any better than this," The Donald added with an almost sincere smile. The armistice terminating the Iraq war also came as a stunning surprise. "We didn't get just one democracy in the Middle East," the President proclaimed at the news conference following the end of the conflict, "we got three!" The new nations of Kurdicopia, Sunnisia, and Shiopolous have already been admitted to NATO, along with every other nation on earth, creating a stable peace at last. Finally, the end of the Global Warming threat was another blockbuster in a truly great year. The discovery of a huge thermostat in the mountains of Greenland was a welcome surprise. "I just turned it back a couple of degrees," newly sworn-in United Nations President Michael "Wacko Jacko" Jackson told reporters at JFK Airport on his return from Greenland's capitol city of Caribou Droppings. Then the "Gloved One" did a fabulous "moon walk" all the way back to U.N. headquarters in Manhattan, followed by an enormous victory luncheon which fed all the formerly poor and starving people on the entire planet, funded by all that gold pouring in from the lunar mines. All in all, I don't think we could have had a better 2006! Here's hoping that in 2007 we eliminate the last great problem facing mankind: eliminating all those annoying TV commercials telling people to "ask their doctor" about taking more drugs. Here's hoping, anyway, but it sure was a really great year! Copyright � 2005 Peter Ferrara Reader Comments sciencebuff (1/14/2006) I appreciated the humor! Denise King (1/12/2025) Hey we just got started on 2006 its not over yet. Add a Comment |
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