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By PETER FERRARA Record Columnist By PETER S. FERRARA Record Columnist One day, I was sitting at my desk in the office I share with Mischa (pronounced Mee-Sha), the armless guitar player, on the 104th floor of the Hatfield-Lavender Building in downtown Whitley City. It was what newspaper people call "a slow news day." That meant there wasn't anything big going on, which is not good for selling newspapers. You can't make a banner headline out of the words: "Nothing Happened!" Mischa was idly picking a tune on his Martin guitar, which he plays with his feet. While having no arms certainly puts a guitar player at a disadvantage, having seven toes on each foot helps Mischa a lot. He has developed a method of "Travis Toe-picking" which is quite pleasing to the ear. I think he was playing the John Denver tune "Rocky Mountain High," but I wouldn't swear to that. For my part, I was passing the time by folding paper airplanes and flying them out the open window. Then I would then watch them circle slowly to the ground over a thousand feet below. Suddenly, I observed with horror that one flew into the window of a passing Hostess delivery truck, evidently striking the driver in his "good" eye, not the one with the patch over it. This caused him to lose control of his vehicle, which careened wildly from one side of the street to the other before toppling over in front of the Karate school across the street from the Bank of McCreary County. The truckload of Twinkies, Ding-Dong's, Devil Dogs and Chocolate Cupcakes With The Little White Squiggle went spilling out and literally covered the street. Without revealing that I had caused the accident, I placed a call to the Sheriff's Department using our enhanced "911" service. After a slight delay of approximately two hours, the call went through and law enforcement was quickly on the scene. It didn't take them more than half an hour to get there, since their office is right around the corner on Courthouse Square. Led by Huffy the drug-smelling dog, Sheriff Perry quickly found the twenty foot high pile of baked goods that rose like a fairytale mountain in the middle of the street. He took off his trademark dark glasses and surveyed the scene: "There's no way my men and I can eat all of these Ding-Dongs," he said sadly, "not to mention the Devil Dogs, Cupcakes With The Little White Squiggle, and Twinkies. We're going to need help here, and fast!" It didn't take long for the news to spread among the county's children. All the schools closed early so the kids could reap this windfall of dessert goodies, and local youngsters rushed to the scene of the accident like lawyers chasing an ambulance. Many were carrying "Trick or Treat" bags left over from last Halloween. Some had even put on the costumes they had previously worn, giving the scene a festive appearance. Kentucky State Troopers arrived to help re-direct traffic around the accident, pausing only occasionally from their labors to scoop up and devour a fallen goodie. McCreary County Judge Executive Blaine Phillips stood on the steps of the courthouse, where he could plainly see the mayhem taking place on the street below. "I'm declaring a junkfood emergency," he said through a bullhorn. "This is one sticky situation, and we're going to have to eat our way out of it! By law, once a Twinkie hits the ground it cannot be sold as new�and the market for used Twinkies isn't what it once was." County Attorney Phil Chaney whispered some legal advice into the Judge's ear. "That goes for the other stuff, too, the Ding-Dong's and what have you," Phillips added. With that, the Judge threw down his bullhorn and did a neat "Schwann" dive into the spilled baked goods, where he began munching like a pirannah with a sweet tooth. Other members of the Fiscal Court followed suit, disappearing into the newly-named "Mount Munchie." Children wearing belts of many colors poured out of the Karate school and attempted to use their martial arts skills to ward off other, less-talented kids from getting their share. But adept as they were in the ancient arts of Ken-Po, eating with chopsticks, and requesting No MSG, these talented young Ninja's were simply overwhelmed by the thousands of ravenous youngsters who had heeded the "call of the calories." Under the pile of pastries, the driver of the truck was pinned inside his vehicle. The "Jaws of Life" had to be used to free him. When this had been done, the "Jaws" joined the children in munching the tasty windfall. By early evening, the entire truckload had been consumed or carried off. "That's it, folks, move along�the show's over," the Sheriff said while dispersing the crowd. Clutching their bulging bellies, children wandered off in all directions complaining of pains and nausea even as they bravely maintained faint smiles on their chocolate-smeared faces. The following day, the phone at local dentist Dr. Jeff Perry's office literally rang off the hook with worried parents asking what to do in "The Great Toothache Epidemic." For his part, the driver of the truck was found not to be at fault, since the paper airplane was still stuck in his good eye�"The one I drive with" �after he had been pulled from the wreckage. The Hostess company showed wisdom and compassion, refusing to fire the driver even after a patch was placed over the injured eye. "I can't see," the plucky fellow told his supervisor. "Does this mean my driving days are done?" "Not at all," his boss replied. "We won't abandon you in your hour of need. We here at the company have purchased a special seeing eye dog who will run just ahead of your truck and bark signals to you as you drive. One bark means turn left, two barks means turn right, three barks means stop, and if he barks four times it means you have run over his tail." "Got it, chief," the driver replied happily as he felt his way carefully back to his truck to resume his rounds. And so what had started out as a slow news day ended with a bang! Actually, it was more of a skid, thump, crunch, and munch. Still, the kid's got their goodies, the blinded driver kept his job, and I got to write this mouth-watering newspaper column. How sweet it is! And Mischa�you better close that window. ��� P.S. For more good munching, join your Democratic friends this Friday at 6 p.m. for some tasty snacks (none from the accident above), soft drinks and a movie. We're going to screen Michael Moore's award-winning film "Farenheit 911" at the Egnew Auditorium at the KCTCS College on Highway 27 in Whitley City. It's free, fun, and a chance to mingle with your Democratic friends and neighbors. All are welcome�including Republicans, Independents, and deceased but still active voters! See you there! Copyright � 2005 Peter Ferrara PETER FERRARA: The Day the Hostess Truck Flipped Over Reader Comments Jonatrhan Hearld (2/4/2026) I don't agree with Mr.Ferrara's column 99.9% of the time,but this one was very hilarious!! Weasel (2/1/2026) A very humorous story. I enjoyed it. It's good to see Mr. Ferrara still has a sense of humor after all the body slams resulting from past columns. I think I'll pass on the F/911 film. I'm surprised it's still even viewable, considering how long it been running on Al Jazeera TV. Should have been worn out by now! I notice that the slogan "still letting the chips fall where they may" is in use. Anybody remember the first line of the original? "Pledged to no party's arbitrary way...". Does the Democratic Party pay for this column? timberlake (1/28/2006) Thanks for the invitation to see "F-9/11," Peter. However, I prefer non-fiction. (1/26/2006) Are you the same guy who is listed on Dr. Demento's all time favorites? (1/25/2006) Peter, Loved the column. I appreciate a humorous, but local column in our newspapers. Keep up the good work. See you Friday night. Add a Comment |
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