Over the past decade Patricia Highland and her husband, Michael, have taken their three sons, ages 9, 5 and 10 months, to more than 35 churches, synagogues and other places of worship near their Evanston, Ill., home. Highland was raised Catholic in a community of religious diversity, and Michael is Jewish. When they decided to have children, she says, they knew the religious upbringing of their kids would be based in openness.
"We did not want to water down our faiths," she says. "Instead, we wanted the boys to realize that it is important to understand others' beliefs."
So Highland carts her boys to the Chicago Buddhist Temple one week and a Hindu sermon the next. Critics may call it playing musical churches. But she says the exposure has helped her raise caring sons who write thank-you notes and sympathy cards and appreciate other people's perspectives. In fact, when asked what religion he is, the oldest simply says, "Judeo-Christian." And, with a holiday to observe in one religion or another almost every month, Highland says her kids have a lot of fun.
The holidays are a great time to try out a new family tradition. Like Highland, you may want to expose your family to diversity of thoughts and beliefs. Or you may be in search of ways to incorporate the religious beliefs of several children and adults in a newly blended family.
Even children who may feel slighted about not getting to spend Christmas with both Mom and Dad can generally summon up some good will to all during the holiday season.
Dr. Gilda Carle, a nationally known relationship expert and author of Don't Bet on the Prince! How to Have the Man You Want by Betting on Yourself and He's Not All That! (Cliff Street Books, 2000), says blended families often choose not to celebrate any religious holiday rather than make the effort it takes to combine multiple customs.
Because religion and spirituality provide identity for a person, Carle says, children who grow up with no particular affiliation run the risk of becoming confused adults.
But others use this lack of spiritual direction to select their own way of thinking. Options for spiritual and religious beliefs are more open than they once were, Carle believes, so it's easier for kids to cope than it once was. It's also easier for adults to choose a set of beliefs or traditions that are different from those with which they grew up.
But just because kids don't "need" to have their religious traditions honored as their families change, experts suggest it is worth the effort.
"Even before you have the ideas of what to do, you have to think about the attitude of those in your family and what you want to convey � tolerance, creativity or optimism � and be open about the results you might get," says Leslie Levine, author of Ice Cream for Breakfast: If You Follow All The Rules, You Miss Half the Fun (Contemporary Books, 2001). "Say to yourself, 'Here's what I want to happen. Here's what should happen.' And do not worry about what other people are doing."
Once you've taken those steps, forging a new holiday lifestyle won't be easy, but it will be worth it. If you are ready to commit to the undertaking of creating new traditions, here are 10 tips to get you started:
1. Ask your guests to bring their traditions along
If your kids are reluctant to try something new just because a step-sibling has always done it, make newness your tradition. Levine suggests asking each of your holiday guests to bring his or her favorite tradition with him or her to your house. When kids see the adults are willing to share their observances, they'll be more willing to give it a try. Examples could include having everyone bring the words of their favorite lesser-known Christmas carol to sing.
2. Get arty
Levine uses art projects and other games to get kids involved. A Hanukkah treasure hunt, for example, can teach kids about the major symbols of the holiday: menorah, candles and chocolate coins called gelt.
3. Which of these things are like the other?
Ask your kids, particularly younger children, to look for the similarities between their religion and another, instead of the differences. For example, when Highland's sons sing "Hallelujah" in a Christian church, they say they feel their fifth shakra of communication opening, a tradition they learned while studying Eastern religions and yoga.
4. 'Tis better to give
Start a holiday family volunteering project. Take a group trip to a homeless shelter, buy gifts for underprivileged kids or take old clothes and toys to Goodwill.
5. Use technology
Broadband and digital cameras make it easy to send live holiday movies to family members who can't be together. And because the capabilities didn't exist a generation ago, by definition you can make it a new tradition.
6. Have a sweet tooth
No matter how frightening an unknown celebration can be, a good meal can make the unfamiliar a favorite. Make sure to explain the legend and lore behind classic food so that new observers get to hear some of the fun behind what they are eating. One extended family used such an approach to start a gingerbread-house-building contest. Each family is given the same specs, and on Christmas Eve all the entries are brought together for a family vote.
7. Don't buy into the ads
According to a poll conducted by the Takoma Park, Md.-based Center for a New American Dream, 82 percent of Americans would rather have a meaningful homemade gift, such as a photo album, than a store-bought gift. Make the masses happy by encouraging your family to create homemade presents. Instead of shopping on the day after Thanksgiving, why not launch a family "Make a Gift" day?
8. Fill in the gaps
If the kids are sad because your ex got all the family ornaments in the divorce settlement, don't feed their disappointment (no matter how you feel). Instead, ask your kids and their friends to start making or collecting new tree ornaments, a process that will make them feel like part of the solution.
9. Think small
If you did something at a holiday gathering last year that was popular, by all means do it again. That's your new tradition.
10. Don't be overly enthusiastic
Levine says, "Do not force your traditions on others. They will remember that, and not in a kind way."
